From Now Until Friday: Tank's Last Days
Does anyone ever make this decision without the heaviest of hearts?The time has come to send our beloved Tankman to heaven's herd. He's 30 now, and suddenly failing. So rather than put it off for our own emotional sake, and risking a death with suffering, we have scheduled his euthanasia and burial for this Friday.
That gives us about 50 more hours to spend with him.
The picture is from the last time I rode him, which was at the end of November. At that point, he was still defying the odds, eager and able to go for a half-day's ride over hill and dale. I'm glad we had the camera along to capture that day's happy moment in time.
There is something excruciating about scheduling a horse's exit. The ticking of any clock suddenly seems a hundred times louder, and gets mixed up with the sound of your breaking heart.
But there's something precious about it, too, because you get to say your goodbyes while your good horse is still on his feet and able to receive your last, pampering love-tokens.
Lots of brushing.
All the carrots he can eat.
Extra helpings of his grain.
Turnout with his favorite buddy.
Those grieving tears you leave on his neck.
Etc.
Tank came into our lives as a free horse, given to us by the friend who decided it was time to retire him from the rigorous life of a rodeo rope horse.
On Friday, we will pay the true cost of having him come along to bless our lives.
We'll allow his needs to come before ours, and let him go with as much honor and dignity as we can muster.
The price of which seems, right now, to be the equivalent of at least a million dollars.
posted by Juli Thorson @ 9:22 AM
34 comments
34 Comments:
Julie,
I am so very sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you and tears fall. What a lucky horse to have had you as a mom. I will be praying for you.
It's such a hard decision, but ultimately a good one. We just went through this with one of our aging horses. We second guessed the decision the few days leading up to her scheduled departure, but in the end we knew it was the right thing. Once it was done, there was mostly just peace.
It's important to allow them to go with dignity and without suffering. I think we suffer more in these situations. It's a great gift you are giving tank.
Julie,
A noble and right thing to do for such a good lad. My Tank man is 26this year and I have pondered the timing as well. Never an easy choice or thing to deal with. God speed Tank.
I can understand your pain Juli and Ed, I will have to do that one day with my 33 year old and also my 30 year old, I have also made the decision that when the time comes, they both will have a dignified exit. That's the least I can do for them since I was there for both of their births
Hugs to all 3 of you.
It's the price we all pay for having them grace our lives. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.
Oh that's so hard. I know... he's had a good life with you and I know you'll make his last days very comfortable. Prayers are with you.
Oh that's so hard. I know... he's had a good life with you and I know you'll make his last days very comfortable. Prayers are with you.
Julie...I am so sorry. You are a wonderful example to us all with older horses. I hope I can find the strength to make the right decision when the time comes. Fare well Tankman...give him a carrot for me.
Karla
God speed Tankman, and Juli, we will all be thinking of everyone there. Keep him alive in your heart Juli- and there will always be part of him there with you.
What a beautiful tribute to your Tankman. My thoughts are with you in these precious hours.
It never is easy, even when it is absolutely the right thing. Enjoy your last hours together. It is a blessing to be able to help someone cross over--a hard blessing, but a blessing none the less.
Lovely photo of him on the ride.
sagebeasties.blogspot.com
Hang in there. Your heart may be heavy, but you will find it lighter once he’s running free.
I went through a similar experience last spring.
Julie,
I'm so sorry. I had to say goodbye to three of my four legged friends this past year. It doesn't matter if they've been in your life for years or for only a few days.
It's such a heartbreaking decision but know that you're doing the right thing. Every horse should have the opportunity to leave this earth knowing they are loved and cared for. Our thoughts will be with you.
First time poster and reader.
I must say I have held the heads of many an equine in my hands in their final moments. You're doing the right thing by far. Waiting until they have to go is excruciating for everyone involved, often, mostly the horse.
This way Tank will know kindness and love only in his final hours, instead of pain/discomfort. Many people fear death, animals do not. It is a compassionate gift that is difficult to give. It is much more selfish to prolong the inevitable when quality of life is in question. I commend your bravery and hope it is as peaceful as possible. My heartfelt condolences go out to you and your family.
As I am shedding tears thinking of your heartache, I know it will be mine someday to bear.
My in laws kept their Appy pony alive too long because they couldn't bear the loss, he was a part of the family for over 30 years. It was a huge loss when he died.
Big hugs and GodSpeed to Tank crossing over.
Juli,
I'm sending you all peace, love and light to help you.
Respectfully,
Mike Bialas aka Garlic Man
Jack County Gourmet Garlic
Circle P Farm and Ranch
Jacksboro and Cundiff TX
I'm so sorry to hear this. Just try to take comfort in knowing you are doing the best by him.
Enjoy these last few days.
Hey Juli,
You know where I stand on the aged nags...raise a toast - with both tears and smiles after the "hard part" is over...I'll be doing the same across the country for Tank, Rebel, Ace, Jay and all of our shared geriatrics of the past...
Cheers,
Betsy
I am so sorry you have to do this. Our gelding was 30 and the grand kids could still ride him so we had not thought of putting him down because he was till healthy and frisky. One day I came home from work and he was lying dead in the arena. He had not eaten his breakfast and we could tell that he walked over to his stall, had a heart attack, walked in one circle one time. It was sad but it saved us having to put him down.
Wish I could say the same about our dogs. Hard to put them down even when they really need it.
I'm so sorry to hear this, but what a blessing that you can help him down this final trail. Yeah, everyone tells us that the price of love is grief, but no one tells us that it's a balloon payment. And the only one ever worth it.
Our thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family as you say goodbye to one of your own.
Bless you dear, you are making a hard decision at the right time.
Julie,
We have 30-year-old "free retiree" on our farm as well. Last spring, he was getting thin and I thought I'd need to make the decision you have now with Tank. I procrastinated, he came back around, turned 30 on January 1, and is now showing all the young pups at our place how to survive temperatures ridiculously below zero. I spend more on feed for Scampy than I do on myself in a month (and I'm no runway model!) but he is as sound as the day he was born and despite his lack of teeth, gray hair, and a serious swayback, he is regal in all ways. He's earned that extra feed and care, a special old show horse I've been going to write about in response to your "That 70s Horse" column--thought this was as good a time as any. I've read your stuff for years and admire the respect you give your horses. I'm sorry you have to face losing Tank. You could've missed the pain, as Garth would say, but you'd have had to miss the dance... We'll still keep giving away pieces of our heart, won't we? It's just part of a good life, part of what makes us whole.
oh Juli,
my heart goes out to you. It is a tuff decision, but the right one. To show them how much we love them by putting them first before our own want's is truly an act of love.
I'll be thinking of you & Tankman on Friday.
hugz,
gracie~katmom
Juli,
I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I lost my 36 year old gelding 8 years ago. He foundered, and I put him down immediately. I owned him since he was two. The two of us grew up together. The life cycle is tough but not having a horse in my life would be worst. I have wonderful memories of this great, old horse and I have yet to own one that could stand in his shoes. I will be thinking of you and Ed tomorrow. Just know that Tank is going to heaven to be with some truly great and loved horses. I truly believe that my Dad is up in heaven waiting at the gate to receive your "Tank".
Prayers,
Michle
I went though this with my 36 yo horse last June, and then in July lost my dog to cancer. Boy, do I feel your pain. Totally committed to my animals, they are with me for their entire lives. Currently the horses are 31, 30, 29, 27, 24 and 10. You are being a responsible owner and sound like an exceptional caretaker. Peace to you and Tank.
Oh, goodness. I'm so sorry, Juli. This is never easy, even when we know we are doing the right thing, which you are. Peace to you... know you have so much love and support.
It is never easy saying goodbye, but you are right, having it planned allows the time to prepare. To ease your soul and mind. Tank will be in comfort with the gift you are giving. God Speed dear Tank. Julie you are in my prayers, I know how heavy your heart must be.
Kara
Juli,
I grieve with you as others do on the loss of such a great friend and loved one. Horses touch a special part in our hearts.
I am glad to see that on your blog, others can benefit from your story. It will touch many hearts.
It reminds those of us who have had to put down a horse or another loved animal that it's the right thing to do. Everyone shares your brave act and it's comforting to all of us as a group.
These are the kinds of stories that I love to read and see.
Thanks for sharing.
Susan
Where to Bury a Horse
If you bury him in this spot,
the secret of which you must already have,
he will come to you when you call;
come to you over the far, dim pastures of death.
And though you ride other living horses through life,
they shall not shy at him, nor resent his coming.
For he is yours, and he belongs there.
People may scoff at you,
who see no lightest blade of grass bent by his footfall,
who hear no nicker pitched too fine for insensitive ears.
People who may never really love a horse.
Smile at them then,
for you shall know something that is hidden from them
and which is well worth the knowing...
The one place to bury a horse is in the heart of his master.
Author Unknown
(Thinking of you...)
Ahhh, the price paid for the knowing of these wonderous creatures who take a slice of our hearts with them.
My sympathy Juli and family.
I am reading this with lots of tears as I went through this last spring with my 37 year old mustang. I will never forget when the vet said, "she just got her wings!" Tank is blessed to have had you, and he will LOVE running through those heavenly meadows.
I am just getting caught up on your blog after spending a week up north saying my own goodbyes. I am so sorry I wasn't around when you first posted this to add my comments - but in my heart I am right there with you along with hundreds of other cowgirls...
Dear Juli
We will be with them again, when we are made whole and perfect.
Jane&Jabber
It's never easy is it, even when you know it's to save them suffering.
I haven't visted your blog in a while and I come back and find the Tankster is no longer on this plane.
He's in good company though, I lost my beloved Bubba (23 y/o) whom I raised from a 10 day old orphan due to a twisted colic, then just 7 weeks later my other senior (27) The B died before my eyes. The vet suspected she was experiencing liver or kidney failures.
One I had to euthanize and the other died, I don't know which is worse to try and cope with. I know they were old but that doesn't make it any easier, I always felt I was a good horse Mom and thought they could both live several more years.
Both taught me so much, gave so much and enriched my life like nothing else ever could have. They had been with me through most of my adult life and went through all the ups and downs. I am glad for the time we had together. I still can't bear to go to their gravesites even though it's a meer 50 yards from the barn...the last time I was there I planted hardy flowers and balled my eyes out! I hate to see the mounds on the ground and their markers, I prefer to think of them giving me kisses for treats, brushing their shiney slick bay coats or one of the many wonderful days we had together on the trail or in the show ring. They were my life and my family and I miss them so! I hope they are the first ones to greet me when it's my turn to cross over.
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